I have an incredible family who raised me in the church and continue to be great examples to me. However, the thing that I lacked with my parents was communication. As I grew up, I quickly learned what was “expected.” As a teen, I recommitted my life to God after having accepted Christ as my Savior at four years old. I still didn’t fully grasp what a personal relationship with God looked like or understand His deep love for me. I focused on doing works and strove for perfection. As a sophomore in high school, I had everything going for me – sports, activities, good grades, youth group, and a good group of friends. I had all of my security built up in all of this instead of in Christ. When my parents informed me we would be moving, all of my security seemed to vanish in an instant, and I had nothing to fall back on. My parents didn’t know the extent of the effect the move had on me because I didn’t show it or tell them how I felt. The masks I wore only increased when we moved. I decided that I was tired of trying to live the Christian life, and I was desperate to make new friends. I quickly became friends with a guy from work who was heavily involved in drugs. It didn’t take long before I was in the drug scene too, and we became more than friends. I started smoking marijuana but told myself I would never use harder drugs. When our unhealthy relationship ended, I pursued more drugs and other relationships. I started living a deceiving double life, only feeling more and more empty as I continued to use and turn to more and more destructive things. Somehow I still managed to appear to have it together. I had a lot of anger, hatred, pain, shame, and insecurities that took more and more substances to forget about.
When I was introduced to cocaine my senior year, I was addicted and using almost daily within weeks. I lost a significant amount of weight due to my cocaine use, and it became very easy for me to cut out eating all together. This began my struggle with anorexia and then bulimia. My parents and others around me began growing very concerned about me. I started seeing a therapist and nutritionist, but didn’t really want to change. I felt like I had no purpose, and I wasn’t striving towards anything. In my carelessness, I was involved in two serious car accidents related to drugs. Even after this, I wasn’t able to admit to myself the severity of my addiction. Shortly after, I was at rock bottom, and I took a handful of sleeping pills. I just didn’t want to feel anything. The pills knocked me out pretty quick, and when I woke up I was in the hospital. Once again, I could have died. But God had a different plan. I was really shaken up, and my family convinced me that I needed help. I decided I would apply to Mercy.
I entered Mercy still desiring to return to my “normal” life as soon as possible. However, about a month into the program, something within me changed. I saw those that had gone ahead of me in the program walking in freedom. They had genuine joy and so much hope for their futures, and I couldn’t deny it was because of God working within them. I wanted that, and I began to believe it could happen for me. I decided to go after it with everything in me.
The hardest part was laying down my pride and my control and admitting that I needed help. I wanted to fix everything and make it through my own way. I had an amazing counselor and other staff members who spoke truth into my life and helped me sort through all of the underlying issues of why I had chosen to do drugs. My heart started to change as I realized that God’s love is for me and that He was there all along. I learned to trust God and seek Him. He gave me joy, peace, hope, determination, and perseverance to start living for Him. Through His amazing love, I was able to begin loving myself and see myself as beautiful, instead of living with the hatred and insecurity I had before.
I graduated from Mercy over ten years ago, and I am blown away when I think about where I am now! I am so grateful everyday for what God has done for me. I don’t feel ashamed of my story. I am proud of it because I know that God uses it in my life for His glory and to help other people. Now I care; I have a purpose. I never want to go back! God restored my relationship with my family and continues to bless me! I excelled in college and went on to pursue a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. I have taken two mission trips, one to Brazil and one to Haiti. I have had various opportunities to share my testimony.
God has given me a love for the outdoors and teenagers and opened all sorts of doors for me to work in those areas. When I was at Mercy, God planted a seed and a passion in my heart to help teenage girls and young women that were struggling like I was. All of these things prepared me for my current position at a wilderness therapy camp with teenage girls. I get to be a mom, friend, mentor, nurse, and teacher while walking alongside a group of precious girls as they navigate their rocky journeys. It is hard at times, but God gives me the strength I need to do it, and it is so rewarding. I feel so blessed and honored to be on the other side, giving back.
Now when I face struggles, I am equipped with the right tools. My security and my hope is in Christ, so whenever struggles come my way, I can fall back on Him instead of using drugs to forget, cover up issues, or to find fulfillment where only God can fulfill. I am living proof that nothing is impossible for God. I am excited to keep helping others in their fight to find the same truth!