I had an amazing childhood until I was 12 years old when my parents separated and later divorced. I was too young to fully understand why my family had fallen apart, and I was afraid I would make things harder on my parents if I expressed my confusion, anger, and sadness. I found it easier to keep my feelings to myself and be strong for my little sister. I was self-sufficient and masked who I was on the inside. I was bullied and made fun of in junior high, which planted seeds of insecurity, shame, and rejection within me. I started believing that there was something wrong with me as a person and began finding my worth in the opinions of others. I also believed that I needed a guy to make me happy. At the age of 14, I got into a six-year relationship with a boy from school. After graduating from high school, I went straight into college to pursue my dream of becoming a nurse. Shortly after, at the age of 18, I found out that I was pregnant. Terrified of what my family would think, I told no one, and I went through with an abortion completely alone. I tried to ignore the pain of the void I was feeling inside, but I eventually started experimenting with prescription medications. For the first time, I felt a temporary relief from that pain. This was the beginning of my six-year addiction to prescription and street drugs. I isolated myself from my friends and family as I dove deeper into my addiction. I eventually lost my job as a waitress and dropped out of college when I was 21. After this, my addiction escalated quickly, and I began stealing from my parents, lying to my family, and sneaking around. As it became obvious to my family that I was struggling, they began doing everything they could to reach out to me and offer help. The more they tried, the more I pushed away, and I eventually left home. Not too long after this, I found out that I was pregnant again. Not wanting to be more of a burden on my family, I had another abortion. I fell into a deep depression, and I lost all contact with my family. I began risking my life and my safety by selling drugs and my body and putting myself in dangerous situations to support my habit. Eventually, I was arrested and wound up in jail multiple times for drug charges.
I felt hopeless, and I knew I had to do something. By God’s grace, I stumbled upon Francesa Battestelli’s music video that features the story of four Mercy graduates, He Knows My Name. I decided to apply to Mercy and started the intake process. I walked through the doors of Mercy not knowing what to expect and not believing that anything could change. I was very unsure about the program, but I knew that it was my last chance to receive the healing that I desperately needed. Afraid of the unknown, I kept many walls up. I was afraid to trust the staff and my counselor. I couldn’t get past my fear of being judged, the shame from my past, and my pride. I had no idea how to be open and completely honest with my counselor.
After four months at Mercy, my counselor set up a meeting with my family as an attempt to encourage me to surrender everything to God and open up to her about my past. This experience launched me into a much deeper relationship with God. I had to learn how to completely trust Him and lean on Him for my support instead of continuing down the same path that brought me to Mercy. God showed me that holding onto my past will not allow me to break free in the future. I began to pray for God to reveal things that I was still trying to hide. By opening my heart to Him, this enabled me to surrender my pride and my will over to Him completely.
One of the greatest times of healing for me while I was at Mercy was when my counselor took me through the process of healing things in my past. I was able to go back and acknowledge the painful parts of my past and grieve the loss of my babies. This allowed me to feel all the feelings and emotions that I had suppressed through the drugs. God began to give me a new perspective on these hurtful memories, and He showed me that not only was He there with me the whole time, but He was holding me, comforting me, and crying with me when I was sad. God taught me that He is not the author of my pain, and when I give Him complete control over my situations, He is my strength. He is the strongest when I am my weakest, and He wants to help me. The revelation that God accepts me has had a huge impact on my confidence and self-esteem. I now know that my identity is based on what God says about me and not what others say or think.
After Mercy, I plan to live with my grandparents while I go back to school to finish my degree in nursing. God has shown me how important it is to surround myself with a community of people who really know and love God, so I plan to get connected with my church as much as possible.
I am so grateful for those who support Mercy because your faithfulness and generosity made this experience possible!!