Selam – 2016 Graduate

I was born in Ethiopia, and I don’t remember much of my early childhood except that my dad died when I was three. I assumed there must have been something wrong with me because my mom had placed me in the orphanage. I also began to believe that the sexual abuse I endured was my fault. Seeing people come to the orphanage, then leave and never return, I decided I couldn’t trust anyone. The root of my rejection sunk deeper as I continued to feel blamed, punished and shamed. I made my mind up that I had no worth and that I didn’t have a voice. The fear of abandonment was so strong that it became a filter through which I saw everything. When I was six I was adopted, and my heart was filled with hope. However, fear crept in to remind me that if I wasn’t perfect, I’d be rejected. I feared in every moment that all of it would disappear, and I’d be in the orphanage again. I became a controller and manipulator. My family loved me unconditionally, but it wasn’t enough for me because I didn’t think I was enough for them. Rejection fed my insecurity. I thought I was fat and ugly and began restricting my food and working out. I just wanted to be a kid and have friends. I grew up way too fast because I didn’t trust anyone to take care of me. I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world. I started doing sexual things, in an attempt to find what I thought was missing, but it actually left me feeling emptier. I was covered in shame, and I kept that secret for a long time. I felt like I had no control over myself and didn’t understand the things I did. I believed God was legalistic, and I just tried to be a “good kid.” Finally it all came out, and I broke. The harm I caused to my family fed the self-hate, fear and shame. I was so depressed that I wanted to die. Life felt so meaningless and empty. I hated God and thought He hated me. I was hopeless and I asked myself often, “What other 12 year old has done the things I’ve done? What other 12 year old has broken every relationship she has?” 

In my darkest season, my mom told me about Mercy and asked if I wanted to apply. She had heard about Mercy at a conference she attended as a teenager. I applied because I felt like it was my last hope. Entering Mercy I was so scared and didn’t know what to expect. I was ready for the staff, especially my counselor, to be shocked and disgusted. I was ready for them to say, “We can’t help you. You’re different than the other girls.” I was ready for everything but what I actually experienced. 

It took some time but I started digging deeper and going to those vulnerable places with my counselor. She continued to tell me that what I shared wouldn’t change her view of me. So for the first time in my life I shared the intimate details – every fear, every thought, every emotion, and every memory. I waited for the abandonment, rejection, and shame. All I received was prayer and love. The staff at Mercy told me they weren’t going anywhere and that they still loved me. They reminded me that I am pure in the sight of the Lord, and He has a plan. That was a major turning point for me. 

While at Mercy I experienced what it’s like to have a relationship with God through grace and not the law. I know and believe that it’s okay to not be okay. I’m free from the strongholds that were controlling my life. Through a passion for the Word of God, I see the world and people in a whole new way. I learned that God was not the author of my pain, and He is mad at what happened to me. He has, and will continue to work it all out for my good. I have no fear of rejection any more! God destroyed my perfectionism. He gave me back my voice, and I have authority over the lies now. I know now that it’s okay to have needs and wants. I’m excited to just be a kid and enjoy life. I am known. I am forgiven. I am free. I’m no longer a slave! I am a daughter of the king! It is crazy to think of the person I used to be! I can’t wait to see what God will do in my future.

After graduating from Mercy, I plan to go home and restore relationships with my family. I want to get involved in church through my youth group and worship, and join a travel soccer club! God is so good, and His plans for me are good. My past no longer dictates my future! I can’t wait to see the amazing ways God will use me. God has transformed my life, and I will tell anyone I can about the great God I serve. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future!

I have no words to describe my gratefulness for all the Mercy supporters. Because of them, I am alive and now get to live an abundant life. God has turned my life around. Without those that give to Mercy, I would never have gotten the chance to find freedom!