I grew up with my parents and 3 brothers. My parents loved us, and still do, which I’m very thankful for. But because they were still living in harmful generational patterns and wounds from their own childhoods – our home, which may have looked good from the outside, was actually a broken and dysfunctional place. I experienced a lot of confusion, emotional neglect, and harmful effects of addiction and divorce. I was verbally bullied in school and never felt that I could tell anyone about it – including my parents. I was isolated and alone and worst of all – started to adapt the lies I was told as truth. I believed I was ugly, fat, gross, stupid, and hopeless.
As a young girl, I also was introduced to pornography. In my isolation and lack of emotional needs being met – it really drew me in and offered a false sense of belonging and love. This started a lifelong battle for me of guilt and shame over unwanted sexual behavior. I developed an extremely unhealthy self-image; I hated every little thing about myself. My relationship with food became harmful, my eating habits were very disordered and destructive, and the first signs of depression started to creep in. I did not believe anyone would ever genuinely love me – I truly believed I was not worthy of love that didn’t have a secret motive. For the rest of my twenties, I battled with deep depression, a mood disorder, disordered eating, co-dependency, and self-hatred. I had absolutely no self-worth, a terrible body image, and carried shame and guilt with me wherever I went.
Dealing with all of this made me feel like I was completely failing at following Jesus. All the relationships in my life were suffering and eventually became non-existent because I went years and years without getting the help I needed.
By the grace of God, I walked through the doors of Mercy. It was so hard for me to believe that I was worthy of being here and that I was worth doing the hard work it takes to walk in freedom. But while at Mercy, I have transformed in ways I did not think possible. I gained understanding and clarity about who I am, who I used to be, and who I want to be. It has allowed me to give myself compassion and grace for the first time. I have learned to forgive others and most importantly, myself. I learned that I really am worthy and replaced the lies I believed with truth.
In Psalm 18:19, it says – “He brought me out to a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.” Mercy was that spacious place for me, and I now know I am worthy simply because the Lord loves and delights in me. I learned I am not alone in my struggles and that God cares about them, no matter how big or small.
God showed me that real, lasting change cannot just be external. Change comes from His Spirit working on the inside of me. I experienced physical, emotional, and spiritual healing while at Mercy. I believe God really used this time to literally save my life, to save my future and the generations that will come after me. And I know this is only the beginning. I am excited to continue on this journey of healing, wholeness, and freedom.
To all the Mercy donors, I am blown away by your generosity and faithfulness to the Lord. You made Mercy a possibility for me and I will never be the same. Thank you for being a part of my healing journey!