Neidy – 2017 Graduate

My childhood was loving, yet dysfunctional. We attended church on Sundays and prayed on occasion. God was introduced to me as a rule enforcer who could only love me if I met His standards. Pressures to be perfect were driven by fears of being unloved and abandoned. I felt like I could never be enough. It didn’t take long for self-hatred to creep in. By the time I was eleven years old, I was addicted to self-harm and pornography. My fears of being seen as imperfect came true when my parents found out about the self-harm. From then on, my dad was emotionally unavailable while my mom sought out help for me. Secular treatment did more harm than good. I rendered myself unlovable and found my identity in rebellion. I abandoned the concept of a God who I couldn’t measure up to and lashed out towards any and every authority figure.

At thirteen I was sent to Guatemala for three months to straighten up my act, but while there, I was molested by a family member. The disgust and shame turned into anger that fueled my rebellion in a new way. I learned how to mask emotion, hide behaviors, and be manipulative. Upon returning to America, I strived to appear as the perfect daughter and sister while engaging in inappropriate relationships, self-harming in less visible areas, and binging and restricting food. At fifteen, my drug and alcohol addiction began as I entered an abusive relationship that ended two years later in rape. I found my identity in anxiety, depression, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which drove me to suicide attempts and a hospitalization. I lost all sense of purpose and felt like I didn’t belong.

I was desperate for answers and hope. I returned to the church where I met Christ. I attended youth group where I was shown Christ’s love. I learned about Mercy Multiplied through my youth group. I thought Mercy was too good to be true, but a Mercy graduate assured me it was a real place of hope and transformation. When I came to Mercy, I was really broken and emotionally absent.

A turning point for me in my Mercy journey was when I was put on a “no jokes” assignment. The assignment discouraged making jokes if I was hurting or avoiding emotions. I realized the depth of my pain and fears of not belonging. It opened the door to finding my identity in Christ. In the “Choosing to Forgive” study we went through, I learned that forgiveness is a choice. I had a unique opportunity to experience forgiveness when I opened up to my counselor about my darkest secrets. My counselor responded with unconditional love. It made me wonder how much more God could love me if He’s chosen to forgive my every sin. My freedom then came from knowing that I am forgiven. In the “Healing Life’s Hurts” study, I realized the many lies I believed. We tackled root issues like self-sufficiency, victim mentality, and codependency. I truly learned to depend on God for my joy and to trust in Him. I learned that I can’t do life alone and I do have it in me to trust others. I believe He made me wonderfully; I learned to embrace the beauty of my femininity. God has proven His faithfulness countless times by constantly meeting me where I am and staying true to His Word. He really is perfect in all His ways. My freedom from guilt and shame came from my new identity as a child of God and seeing Him as a perfect all-loving Father.

While at Mercy, I’ve learned that there is power in the choices I make. My freedom to do whatever I want is now my freedom to obey God—not because I feel like I have to, but because I want to. I’ve learned to love and be loved by Him. He continues to show His love in countless ways. Mercy made a way for healing I never imagined possible. I learned how to cook, clean, communicate, feel, and grow. Life was redefined for me. My newfound freedom has fueled my heart for ministry.

After Mercy, I plan to continue learning about Jesus and ministry. I hope to serve in youth and homeless ministry to walk out what it means to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

Mercy donors, thank you for making a way for me to experience healing like no other. I was able to walk into a safe and loving environment where I learned to live again. My life is headed in a completely different direction because of the transformation and tools offered at Mercy. My life is forever changed.