I was born to a loving and caring family, but I was often anxious in social situations because I didn’t know how to interact well with others. I was very shy and always allowed others to do everything for me. I became afraid to let people see my true self because I wasn’t sure what they would think of me. I felt like I always needed someone with me, and when I didn’t have anyone, I was scared and fearful. In order to cope with this, I began to control certain actions and behaviors in my life. I fell into an over-worried mindset about cleanliness and change that evolved into rituals and routines. After graduating from high school, I went away to college, despite the fears that still ruled my life. I wanted to fit in, and it seemed like the only way that I could was through my appearance. My obsessions soon changed from rituals and routines to obsessing over my eating and exercise patterns. This started my long battle with an eating disorder and years of trying to get help through countless treatment centers and doctors. Eventually my doctor came to the conclusion that I was her ‘worst eating disorder patient ever’ and that she didn’t know what else to do with me.
My mom mentioned trying Mercy, but I didn’t think I knew enough about God and the Bible to go. I also didn’t think I was sick enough to be accepted. My mom convinced me otherwise, and I filled out the application. I walked through the doors of Mercy broken, ashamed, and feeling worthless. I kept to myself as much as I could and didn’t trust anyone. I came in with the view of God I had held for most of my life—thinking I would be in trouble, condemned or hurt if I didn’t go to church or pray a certain way.
I soon came to realize that what I had believed wasn’t true and that the love of God surrounds me no matter what. I fought the program and change at first, but I learned that God loves me too much to let me remain the same. I continued to hear the truth about God’s goodness, and it seemed so much better than the life I was living. This is when my journey changed, and I began to follow God’s ways and find more freedom in my life.
At Mercy, I learned to apply Scripture to my life and speak truth statements about who I am in Christ. I came to see how God had been with me my entire life—even at my worst—and I realized that He would never leave nor forsake me. By learning more about God, I gained a hope, peace, confidence and strength that I never had experienced before. My worries decreased as I began to trust that God would take care of me. A big part of my journey was realizing that I do have a purpose in life and that God made me for a reason.
Moving forward, I plan to return home to share the good news of God’s love and mercy with others. I have now forgiven myself for my past and plan to use my testimony to help others not fall for the same lies that I did. I am not ashamed to be me anymore and to share who I was because it shows how good God is to pull me out of all the darkness, hurt and negativity and bring me into His glorious light.
Thank you so much for every single one of you who helped transform my life. Your encouragement, prayers and support have changed my life in so many ways. Now I can’t wait to go out and live the free life God had always promised me! My name is Monica, and this is just the start of my story.