Kristen – 2015 Graduate

I had my first drink when I was nine. When I realized I could get away with it, it became exciting to drink anytime I could. When I was 11, I was molested by a relative several times. I started to hide myself and isolate. I began dressing more like a boy because I did not feel safe looking like a girl. I realized that if I was by myself, no one was around to hurt me. I was still sneaking alcohol but at this point it became more about numbing my pain and less about trying to get away with it.

When I was 12, I discovered pornography. This made me feel good, but it also made me feel more and more shame. I eventually realized that I could deal with the shame by self-harming. By the time I was 15, my routine was looking at porn until I was so ashamed that I self-harmed. That same year I began smoking cigarettes and marijuana. I was 19 when the thought of suicide actually became an option for me. At this point I had been in and out of church for years. At age 20, the gospel was explained to me, and I was saved, although God still seemed inaccessible to me. Just before my 24th birthday, I found myself more depressed than I ever had been. I wanted nothing more than to kill myself. Instead, I told God that if He wanted me to live or if He had a plan for me, than He had one year to do something about it. By my 25th birthday, I had quit smoking weed, cutting and drinking and was looking at porn less and less. I started dating a guy against the advice of my friends at church. We became engaged, and I was incredibly happy. I was convinced this was God’s plan for me. Months later I became convicted about our relationship. I broke off our engagement, and my depression started again. The thought of killing myself became so strong that my friends convinced me I needed help. I knew God had a call on my life, but whatever it was seemed unattainable.

I heard about Mercy through a friend of a friend. I knew my life was never going to get better unless I did something. When I got to Mercy, I was sure without a doubt that I was not going to finish the program. I thought I was a lost cause.

At some point pretty early on, it finally occurred to me that the Mercy staff was not against me. They truly did care about me. When I started embracing and accepting the love that they were showing me, I also began embracing and accepting God’s love.

God has shined a light on all the lies I believed for years about myself and has exposed them for what they are. I really do have a future, and God really does want good things for me.

After Mercy, I plan to go back home, find a job, and serve in my church. I will hopefully be going back to school in the fall to finish my degree. Someday, I really hope to marry a great, godly man and become a stay-at-home mom.

Thank you all so much for making Mercy possible! I would not be alive today without this program. This place truly is making a difference, and my family and I are incredibly grateful for all that Mercy has done.