Growing up, the devil convinced me that I was unwanted and undesirable. I often felt like “the next best option”. I thought the only way to earn others’ acceptance was through people pleasing and manipulation, which got me into the habit of denying my feelings and hiding behind various masks. I developed the unhealthy habit of comparing. That poisoned almost every aspect of my identity, especially my body image. Through high school, I started down the slippery slope of doing whatever I could to get the body I’d be satisfied with. I did not realize what a dangerous trap I was walking into. I took this mindset with me to college, along with the pressure to maintain the “perfect missionary kid” image. This lifestyle of comparing and striving may have tricked people into believing I had my life together on the outside but on the inside, I was empty, dissatisfied and totally confused about who I really was. I developed an eating disorder and an unhealthy dependency on exercise during my junior year of college. It was an attempt to cope with the confusion and pain that I felt as a result of some relational conflict with my closest friends. The eating disorder slowly took control of me and I fell into a depression that left me feeling full of shame and unworthy of God’s grace and forgiveness. With the shape I was in at the end of the summer of 2017, I wouldn’t have been able to continue living a normal life.
I decided to stay at home in Kenya with my parents for the fall of 2017 instead of returning to school because of the poor shape I was in. While I was there, I met a girl who graduated from the Mercy home in Nashville. She told me about the freedom she had found from the same struggles that I was experiencing. Desperate for freedom and ready to change, I applied to Mercy in November and walked through the doors of the beautiful Sacramento home soon after. It took me a while to open up to the staff because of how accustomed I was to hiding behind masks and stuffing down my emotions. I was constantly restless in the beginning of my journey. I didn’t know how to be still, rest and find assurance at the feet of Jesus.
The module, “Renewing the Mind”, was transformational for me. As I learned about what it meant to renew my mind and speak the Word of God over my life, I felt like my whole world shifted and started seeing the power of the Holy Spirit work in my mind to change unhealthy mindsets. God dug up my critical and judgmental spirit and planted more compassion for others in my heart. He stripped away the drive to be perfect while lovingly reminding me that even my most righteous deeds are like filthy rags, and that He loves me because of His grace and not because of my works. Whereas, I used to believe that no good could come out of being still and resting. I can declare that in repentance and rest is my salvation and in quietness and trust is my strength. I learned to be honest with myself and others about how I was really doing. Through journaling and conversations with staff I learned to be ok with not always being ok, and I learned that healing is a journey that I can’t walk alone. At Mercy, God moved me from a state of constantly comparing to a state of contentment. He’s not going to help me become anyone else. He finds me captivating and enough, just as I am.
After I graduate I plan on spending some time with family. Then I’m headed to a Christian leadership training program that will last through the fall semester. Beyond that, I’m trusting the Lord to show me what is next in our adventure.
I am so thankful for the donors who give so generously to Mercy Multiplied. Because of them, my life is forever changed. I pray the Lord refreshes them and blesses them 1,000 times more than they blessed me and the many girls who have found freedom at Mercy.