I grew up experiencing physical and sexual abuse as far back as I can remember.. The physical abuse ended when I was 13. The sexual abuse ended at 23. The physical abuse consisted of bruises, welts, and bone fractures. The sexual abuse ranged from molestation and date rape to being drugged and videoed being sexually violated. My mom tried counseling for the whole family, but it mainly focused on behavior modification instead of healing the hurts that were present on the inside. In these sessions, counselors emphasized what I could do to not provoke the abuse. This made me feel responsible for what happened to me. I came to the conclusion that I must be a terrible person, that no one valued me, and that the terrible pain inside was a terrible penance I had to pay. I tried turning to religion, but I became burnt out and was willing to try just about anything to find relief. When I was 16 years old, I began taking whatever drugs were offered to me. Finally I began experiencing some relief from all of the pain! It may have been temporary, but it was more relief than I had experienced before. After high school, I also binge drank alcohol on and off. In graduate school, I was in a long-term relationship full of emotional and sexual abuse. He and I had two miscarriages that sent me plummeting into a depression so deep I would take as many drugs and drink as much alcohol as I could get my hands on, even if it meant endangering my life. I tried to commit suicide four times and had alcohol poisoning three times. I was determined to stop the pain, even if I had to die to do so.
I attended a Christian college where I was friends with several girls who graduated from Mercy. I remembered them speaking very briefly about Mercy when we were all at school together and through the following years of our friendships. When I finally recognized that all the medicine and government hospitals I attended were not able to reduce my pain, I knew I had to try something different. I wanted to live, but I had no idea how to live with the pain I was feeling. During one of my hospital visits, I remembered a friend talking about Mercy. I knew Mercy had worked miracles in the lives of my friends, so I decided it wouldn’t hurt to try.
When I walked into Mercy, I was hard-hearted, aggressive, and stubborn, but desperate for real change. My life really began to change when I realized that God was not mad at me and that I have authority to speak against the lies I heard all my life. That is what led my guilt to dissipate, my will to come alive, and my confidence in Christ to soar.
God has taught me that it is okay to have personal convictions and to stand by them in kindness. I refuse to live in shame, and I have begun to differentiate my worth from my abuse. My heart is beginning to trust God again.
After Mercy I am moving home to live with my parents and siblings. My long-term goal is to teach Bible and/or Government at one of the local junior colleges. Until that becomes a reality, I hope to find work in Policy Development and Auditing. At some point I would love to tutor kids free of charge. But, my very first goal is to firmly plug in to my church, grow with my accountability partner, and develop healthy, meaningful relationships.
I am forever grateful to Mercy’s donors. No matter what your contributions to Mercy look like, you are helping to change and restore lives. I hope you never forget how incredibly valuable you are to all of the Mercy Girls!