I was born into a dysfunctional family. My biological father wasn’t in the picture and my mother married my stepfather when I was just a baby. Through their marriage, I have a brother and a sister. When I was eight, after previously enduring physical abuse by my stepfather, I told my mom and grandma that I was also being sexually abused. I was told not to tell anyone and was even paid to keep my silence. We entered a painful court process where I was instantly made out to be a liar. As a little girl, I did not know what to do. I continued to be sexually abused. At age 11, I lost my virginity to a young man I called my boyfriend. He did not know how to value me, so he only used me for my body. I thought that giving him what he wanted was the only way I would keep him in my life. I didn’t want him to leave, even when he made fun of me, mocked me, and really hurt me. When he broke up with me, I spiraled straight into a broad spectrum of sexual addictions. I began giving myself away. I had no value for myself or others. I felt extremely bitter, angry, depressed and alone. In addition to being sexually promiscuous, I struggled with self-harm and an eating disorder. I smoked marijuana and drank often. Although God began a healing work in my relationship with my mom around this time, my home life was still chaotic. In 10th grade I was desperate for real love, and I longed to know what it felt like to not feel dirty. I wanted to feel clean and pure. I wanted to stop using my body and stop allowing others to do the same. I began attending a church, and my life completely changed. I was freed from my addictions immediately, but my mind and thought process took a turn for the worst. This began an eight-year period where I became extremely legalistic, perfection driven, and even more controlling. I did everything I could to please God and my pastors. My perceptions of God were just as twisted as my perceptions of love after the sexual abuse. Adding to my backwards perceptions of God, my church focused on how dark the world was and all my dreams and hopes died as I lost all hope to live. I didn’t know who I was in Christ or who God was. I hated myself. I felt like no one could ever love me and that I could never love anyone. After this, I confronted my abuser about the sexual abuse, and I told my family the truth about what happened. I also searched for and found my real father. As we met and chatted, I began fantasizing about a father-daughter relationship. When my fantasies and desires for a father crashed down, I did not know if I could go on or how I would even make it. In college, I began overeating and gaining weight in an unhealthy way. I became very insecure and self-conscious about my body. I felt like I could never be beautiful again, and I longed to be loved and in relationship. I was angry at God. I entered into a relationship with a Christian man who was 10 years older than me. My desire for marriage, love, attention, and affirmation about my beauty was so strong that I fell back into sexual addictions. When this relationship ended, everything spiraled out of control.
One morning after crying out to God for help, I came across Francesca Battistelli’s “He Knows My Name” music video featuring several Mercy graduates’ testimonies. I felt that God was showing me an answer and immediately began the application process for Mercy.
Arriving at Mercy, I was so afraid of everyone. It was a month before I raised my hand to speak out in class. It took me months to begin trusting the staff, but they were so patient with me. I was afraid to have my own personal beliefs about the teachings of God because I had been fed so many lies about Him before coming to Mercy. I was very depressed, and I constantly did counseling work. I never took any time to laugh or smile. I felt so ugly. When I began participating in class, I developed the freedom to break away from others’ beliefs about God and explore God and His word for myself. I reached a point where I heard God speaking to me and telling me I needed to laugh because it is medicine for the soul. I began playing games and laughing with the other residents, which broke my fears. It brought healing to my soul, and I experienced a lot of freedom by speaking God’s truth over my life. I became myself again.
When I was at Mercy, I learned how to balance healthy eating and exercise. I have also learned the importance of healthy friendships and community. I began the journey of allowing God to develop in me a healthier view of who He is. He took me through scriptures to learn about His character. He awakened dreams and passions in me, all while teaching me to laugh and smile again. I learned how valuable I am to Him.
After Mercy I hope to finish college and do mission work. I also want to attend a healthy church where I can pursue Godly community. I want to enjoy life!
I am so grateful to Mercy Multiplied. Without it, I would never have been able to find freedom because I did not have the finances. Thank you to all the donors who made it possible for me to begin my healing journey here!