Growing up I developed an approval addiction and a desire to be perfect. The expectations to be the best and present myself as such, being good at everything, and excelling at the highest level, without failing, developed a fear in me. I felt most loved when I was praised for doing well. I developed the mentality that I had to perform to be loved. With performance came perfection. I got so good at being “perfect” that I learned to hide my imperfections. I’d hide all my pain behind a pleasant smile that made others happy and comfortable to be around me. My smile grew bigger as the pain within grew deeper.
I started to compare myself to others, I was so insecure, and I made up my mind that no one liked me. My insecurity grew when I got negative attention from people in my family who should’ve been there to nurture me but had different intentions. I found myself in romantic relationships where my identity and worth came from what I was giving to them. I gave myself even when I didn’t want to, but the feeling of being loved kept me from leaving. I had given my all to someone, and yet I still felt empty inside.
I started college and struggled right away with the added pressure and had trouble finding my place. My anxiety and depression became worse, and I found myself sitting in front of several psychiatrists, therapists, and counselors trying to find help, but I only found labels. I lost hope in myself and in my capabilities.
In 2022, I found out I was pregnant. Excitement briefly entered my heart before other emotions filled my mind and fear overtook me. The fear led me to have an abortion three days later. I became so numb and everything around me went dark. I didn’t tell anyone; it was my secret. I knew God knew though, and I was convinced that He hated me just as much as I hated myself. I thought that I had committed too great of a sin to be forgiven, I was too far gone for God’s love, and His goodness wasn’t for me.
Five months later I got into a bad car accident which caused me to have serious injuries. I was so angry at God for sparing my life. I no longer wanted to live. I had suicidal ideations, wrote suicide letters, and came close to ending my life. I thought that I belonged in hell, and I was to be punished eternally for what I did. No matter how much I tried to leave, God wouldn’t let me. He was always there watching over and protecting me.
I applied to Mercy Multiplied out of desperation. I saw Mercy as my last hope because I had tried so many other things and failed. I arrived at the home and was met by loving kindness from staff and my Mercy sisters. I was accepted right away, and I relaxed knowing that I had made the right decision. For the first time ever, I didn’t feel the need to perform in order to be loved. I was encouraged to be myself. I learned to be vulnerable and to seek help when I needed it, which kept me from suppressing my emotions and letting my feelings govern me. In counseling, we invited God into every session! One of the first exercises I did was to practice two-way journaling, which created an intimate space for me and God. I heard His precious voice as He spoke to me, His beloved daughter and dearest friend. My trust and faith in Him grew so much. I now have a relationship with Him and He has become the light of my world and the love of my life.
I was met with an unfamiliar sense of joy and freedom when I worked through the “Keys to Freedom” study. I wrote truth statements that aligned with God’s Word. As I spoke truth over myself, the lies I believed no longer had a hold over me. The ugly, shameful, broken, lost, insecure, approval-addicted girl who wasn’t enough and didn’t feel deserving of life has become a strong woman of God, who is carefully crafted in His perfect image.
God reassured me that forgiveness would set me free in areas that kept me bound. It did just that as I chose to forgive myself and others and accept God’s forgiveness. I no longer live in condemnation for my life has been restored! God has turned my mourning into dancing, and He’s clothed me with joy. He is Jehova-Rapha, the Lord who heals. He has healed me and redeemed my soul in peace from the battle that was against me!
I am so thankful for my time at Mercy. My time at Mercy has been life-changing, as it has literally saved my life. I have found my freedom through Christ and my life has been transformed. I tried for years to do things on my own and in my own power, but I didn’t find true restoration until I released everything and gave God full control over my life. The joy of the Lord is within me! I am of the light and no longer belong to the darkness! God is with me, and He will never leave me.
To all the donors, thank you so much for your generous contributions. Because of you, I have been able to find my freedom in Christ! God called me here to Mercy to show me just how much I deserve to be free.