“I was under the grip of the enemy, locked into an obsession and addiction that wanted to destroy my whole life- in every area. I shudder to think of it, but I really did stand at a threshold that was a choice between life and death.
I spent much of my time denying and justifying and blaming. It was only leading me deeper into that pit. I would suffocate in the endless cycle that offered no real relief. I was embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone, so I kept silent. The enemy’s greatest weapon. I bought the lie and suffered on. On the outside, I appeared normal, functional, and self-sufficient. That was a facade. I kept everyone at a distance and feared my secret would come out.
Circumstances worsened and I received a wake-up notice. On a normal sunny Wednesday afternoon, my teenage son was in a minor longboarding accident and I was unable to drive him to the hospital for an x-ray. I was drunk. It was 3:00 in the afternoon. Things went very badly that evening when my husband came home from work. There was much screaming and fighting and crying. From that day on, I tried with all my might to quit drinking. I went to support meetings, I read helpful information. I white-knuckled my way through a month. Then I casually opened the door right back up. It was so frustrating.
Five months into that cycle, I was at an all-inclusive event for my husband’s job. Things didn’t go well for me. I spent the weekend immersed in the grips of my addiction which was supposed to be a “good time.” It was not. My pain and sin continued spreading, consuming everything. I was justifying and believing all of the lies again. I drove home that following Monday afternoon and while debating on stopping at the liquor store, the Holy Spirit spoke to me. “Do you see now? That this will never end?” I cried. I knew it would not end if I kept making these choices and believing these lies. I had now been in the grips of my addiction for well over two years. It was looking hopeless.
Because of my job, I was even more afraid of telling anyone of my condition. But also, because of my job it was three days later, that I found myself in a coffee shop in Nashville. I was there for a two-day workshop training called MPower for laborers in the fields of helping hurting people, working in crisis situations, or long-term mentoring. The coffee shop was just a bonus, because Mercy Multiplied was launching a new study guide. That night, two-day sober me, literally had the “Keys to Freedom” placed into my hands. I had no idea how significant that would become. When we arrived at the workshop the next morning, we sat there, about sixty of us – all ages, races, from all over the U.S. We were told that we could not give away what we had not yet received ourselves, so we were going to be receiving today. I wept. I took ferocious notes. I hate taking notes. I wrote everything down. I cried. I even had to spend lunch alone walking the campus, just to process what was happening. I did not understand.
When I went home, I asked a friend to go through the study with me. God showed me so much. There were so many deep roots that needed His healing, and He was so gentle and patient with me. I wrestled hard. Nothing was fair. Not the condemnation I’d heard my entire childhood. Not the traumatic rape I’d experienced as my first sexual encounter. Not the way I had ran, pursuing acceptance and control; chasing escape, people, drugs and an identity that would elude me. Not the onslaught of rejection and persecution I had repeatedly faced as a grown adult for many years. Nothing was fair! But God came to meet me there to heal it, in His perfect timing. He agreed that it wasn’t fair. He showed me that I had a choice to forgive and He walked me right through how to do so in those keys. And my chains began to fall. And I began to climb out of the pit. And miracles began to happen. Even really difficult ones. Those are all mini-stories in themselves. I still went to weekly support meetings. It helped, knowing I was not alone, and that I had friends in recovery.
Very quickly, I knew I could not keep what I’d been given. I was free and I couldn’t explain it, but I knew it had happened and that it could be possible for anyone. I took my first group of ladies through Keys to Freedom that same year. My confidence was still shaky, but as I told other friends about it, they started groups, and even more healing and freedom began taking place. I took another group through it the next year and kept continuing. Every time I led a group, I did the work alongside the ladies. Every time, God showed me NEW hurts that needed His healing power, whether they were from long ago or recent. I learned to trust that He knows what I’m ready for. And I began to ask, because I’d learned how to hear from Him. It was and continues to be, the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced. I can use these keys for the rest of my life! They point me directly to the Word of God – the Truth, which I use to replace the lies of the enemy. I know Whose authority I stand in. The seeds of destiny inside of me have a healthier place to flourish! Things I never dreamed of are being revealed to me, and God is showing me the desires of my heart – the ones He placed inside of me long ago that I had searched my whole life to find. I now know where to look. I cannot keep that to myself.
I really will shout it from the mountaintops! I am more than free! And it is possible for you too!
Note: At the time of writing this, I am working through Keys to Freedom for the fifth time. I am leading my 4th and 5th groups. I work for our local Crisis Pregnancy Center as the Mentoring Program Director. I am a mom and a wife of 23 years”