I was extremely shy as a kid, afraid to talk to others and afraid of others talking to me. I had very few friends growing up, even though I desperately wanted to be included. I went to a private, Lutheran elementary school where I was bullied relentlessly. I went to church weekly with my loving and supportive mom and grandma. I had a lot of hurt in the church and started to view people that went to church as fake, unsafe and untrustworthy. My grandmother, who lived with my family and whom I was very close to, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died a couple weeks later. After my grandma died, I began to isolate myself, and was pretty much alone. My grades started falling. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I was depressed and exhausted all the time. I was diagnosed with depression at 15 and given medication. I missed months of school and was put in a mental health day program. Something in me started to change. I started becoming promiscuous and sleeping with people I barely even knew. I began drinking and later smoking marijuana and cigarettes. I was losing most of my values and personal worth. Partying and dating became my life from age 18-21 with some small periods of sobriety mixed in. My whole life was spiraling out of control, and it all revolved around when I would drink or get high or have sex next. I entered residential treatment and was labeled as bulimic, alcoholic, addict, and as having PTSD. I used food for comfort, but also felt very shameful for eating and gaining weight. I had been binging and purging for years and never really realized I had an eating disorder. I left the program when my insurance was denied and sought outpatient care. Soon, however, I was back partying with people I’d met in treatment. I was involved with a destructive man who told me I was worthless. I began abusing prescription meds and using cocaine along with my prescribed depression and anxiety meds – a very dangerous combination that started taking a toll on my health. I started self-harming and ended up in the hospital. After being released I started another program. I did well for a while, but after a few months, began my destructive behaviors again. My mom took me to a psychologist, and he labeled me as depressed, multiple substance abuser, and as having borderline personality disorder. I viewed myself as worthless and put myself in a lot of harm and couldn’t stand living anymore.
My mom found Mercy’s website and told me about the program. I realized that I was more dead than alive, and I wanted a shot at a real life. I was nervous and skeptical when I arrived. I didn’t care about anything and definitely didn’t trust God, or people for that matter. I was angry, broken, isolated, and depressed. A major turning point for me at Mercy was rededicating my life to Christ and being baptized.
Through Mercy, God has given me the strength to live in balance in all aspects of life. God has healed parts of my physical body and has taken away my depression. God has started to restore my relationships with my parents. God taught me to trust Him as I believed for healing for my dog who was sick at home. I realized that if He would heal my dog, I could trust Him to heal me too. I realized He cares so much for me that He loves even what I love! I learned that I have a perfect, loving, adoring Father in God; that the old person that I used to be is gone and the new person, righteous in Christ, has come. I learned who I am in Christ!! I learned that I have value and worth and that I don’t have to live under the labels of addiction, alcoholism, borderline personality disorder, depression, or anything else anymore. God says I am whole and complete in Him and able to bear all things. I learned that God is always with me, and I am never alone. I can do all things through Him. He never gives me more than I can handle.
After graduating from Mercy, I plan to go back home and live with my parents. I’m going to start taking college classes again and get my associate’s degree in Radiology and then go on to get my bachelor’s degree in the medical field. I am going to get involved at church, volunteering with my accountability partner. I plan to spend time with my parents and my dogs and continue to work on my physical, mental, and spiritual health by using the tools I learned at Mercy!
To all the donors, thank you so much for allowing me to experience Mercy! Because of you I was able to turn my life around. Without Mercy I would probably have died, but now I have a fresh start at a brand new life, and I can go out and help others as well!