Ashley – 2015 Graduate

Growing up I attended a legalistic church every week with my family, but I can’t remember if God was in our lives outside of the church walls. My parents got divorced when I was in grade school. I blamed myself for their divorce, and I battled feelings of abandonment. At age 10 I was made to start dieting and going to the gym which made me believe that I would never be accepted unless I was thin. I often felt an unattainable expectation to be perfect. I began to use self-harm in order to release the hurt that was building up on the inside of me. I also began to struggle with a sexual addiction. I became depressed and started to struggle with suicidal thoughts. I felt rejected by my family and peers and started to develop an eating disorder. I felt like I had lost all control of my life, and I attempted suicide for the first time. I stopped living and simply endured the days. Shortly after, I was raped, and I felt like the only good thing left in me was gone. I became sexually promiscuous with other men. I wanted to feel loved for at least a few hours, but it just filled me with shame. My eating disorder grew worse. I started to experiment with drugs and grew even more dependent on alcohol and pain killers to numb myself. I cried out for help in one of my darkest moments, and I was finally heard by a professor. I began going to counseling, but I only became more confused and hopeless, and my life spiraled out of control even more.

When my professor realized I needed residential help, she told me about Mercy. Two days before she told me, I had picked a date and made a fail-proof plan to end my life. Within three days I was visiting a Mercy home. I applied yet didn’t really believe I would get in. On August 19th, 2014, Mercy gave me my entry date. August 20th was the day I had planned to kill myself. I took that as a sign from God. When I arrived at Mercy I was very hopeless, scared and angry.

I had a few turning points while I was at Mercy. The first was when I gave my life over to Jesus. Also, over the Christmas holidays I cried myself to sleep (twice!) from JOY. I was overwhelmed by the love and kindness I’d experienced. I couldn’t understand how I was NOT depressed, and I began to believe that change was possible. I also got baptized which was a very exciting night for me.

I wouldn’t be alive today if I hadn’t found God’s love through Mercy. Not only has He kept me alive, He gave me a life to live! I figured I would just have to learn to live with all my issues and would never be free from my torment. While at Mercy, God helped bring up things I had forgotten slowly so that I could deal with them one at a time. With those I discovered lies I had believed that I thought were facts. My lies defined me, so I had an identity crisis when His truth came in. Learning my identity in Christ has been one of the biggest things for me. God showed me who He is and who I am in Him, which changes everything for me!

After graduating from Mercy I am planning to finish my degree. I plan on sharing God’s truth, light, and love wherever I go. God has given me a lot of compassion for people in pain, and I plan on using that to drive my desire to see people set free. I want to be a powerful voice that brings change for the Kingdom. God not only saved my life, but gave me a life of purpose.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you SO much to all that support Mercy. Mercy has 100% changed my life, and I will forever be grateful. I have seen the effects of Mercy not only in my life but in the sisters I lived with. I can no longer imagine my life without Mercy, so thank you for making that a possibility for me!!!