I was born to a Christian family and accepted Christ at a young age. However, I shied away from the ideas of Christianity because I was afraid of the obligations and requirements that came along with being a “perfect” Christian. I started self-harming when I was very young. Whenever I received criticism or experienced a negative emotion, I would self-harm. I don’t know where I got these behaviors from, but it was just how I dealt with things. My parents divorced when I was eight. I had never seen my parents fight until then, and I dealt with this by self-harming and flying off into my imagination. I spent a lot of time in Internet communities, where I formed relationships that would meet my needs for a short time. At this same time, I was also bullied, which caused a huge drop in my confidence until I decided I was going to be independent and not care what anyone else thought. I eventually got used to all the adjustments that the divorce caused, but there was still a lot of pain in my family. I disliked my counselor and lied to her often. I continued with most of the same behaviors, but self-harm became rarer for me as I discovered what I was actually doing to myself. Around 13, my self-confidence began to drop dramatically. I hated everything about myself. I became extremely suicidal. I figured if I couldn’t have a perfect life, why should I even try? I turned back to my self-harming behaviors on and off for the next two years. My relationship with God was almost nonexistent. I spent all of my time on the Internet, talking to my friends online and writing to keep myself from thinking about my own painful life. At this time, I begin to develop very strange obsessive behaviors. I also began having fearful thoughts about God, so I avoided Christianity altogether. During the summer after my sophomore year, things began to go downhill fast. I began to experience extreme anxiety and panic attacks. I was convinced that God and the devil were both out to get me, and I constantly felt that people were trying to kill me. The school year approached, and I had new hope for a normal life. My situation seemed to improve for a while as I dove into the routine schedule and even managed to make some decent friends. About two months in, all my symptoms came back. My depression, anxiety, delusional thoughts, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and self-harm controlled my life again. I opened up to the school counselor, but I felt that she couldn’t fully understand my issues because she wasn’t a Christian. Eventually, I came clean to my mom about everything that I was experiencing.
I found out about Mercy because my mom knows Founder and President, Nancy Alcorn. I decided to apply because I was seeking truth and freedom from my addictions. When I arrived, I didn’t expect to last very long in the program.
Realizing the true identity of God and Jesus was when everything began to fall into line for me. It finally occurred to me that the Christian faith was meant to be centered on love, not fear. After I learned that, I was able to press into the love of Christ and overcome my deepest fears about entering into a relationship with Him.
At Mercy, God completely restored my mind and body. I now know what it is like to feel complete peace. He gave me a joy and love for life, people, and Himself that only He could provide. I’ve learned so much about my identity in God, as well as who He is as my loving Father. I’ve also learned to renew my mind with the Word and speak out against the evil thoughts and strongholds that threaten me.
After Mercy I would like to continue working on obtaining my GED and enjoy the gifts God has given me. I want my main focus to be on loving God and myself in this beautiful romance of a life.
Mercy donors, thank you so much for everything you’ve done to provide for my Mercy sisters and me. Please know that you are loved and thought of as we all work through our issues in the beautiful Mercy homes. You are making an incredible difference! Thank you!