I was born into a loving, Christian family with five siblings. Although my home was loving, it was also very chaotic. At a young age my brother was diagnosed with a rare illness that caused my parents to be in and out of hospitals with him constantly. At the same time my parents were also trying to run a church. This planted the seed of rejection and fear of abandonment in me. When I turned seven, my life seemed to become even more chaotic, as I began to be taken advantage by multiple men and women and later abused for eight years. I felt so much fear and shame. To cope with the pain of abuse, I started self-harming and developed unhealthy sexual behaviors. I couldn’t understand why this was happening to me. I thought the very core of me must be wicked and all the abuse was my fault. I then started the cycle of trying to please God and people to earn love and safety. I tried to hide my depression and pain by wearing a mask of happiness. I soon lost touch with any other emotion. In order to escape from my reality, I often found myself daydreaming and running away to a fantasy world where I found safety and satisfaction. I continued on in this cycle for several years, masking my pain and engaging in unhealthy patterns of behavior.
I decided to go to a Christian college and began dating a Christian man who I thought could fill the void inside of me. I soon realized he was a controlling and abusive man. I felt trapped in the cycle of abuse and believed that abuse must be God’s plan and purpose for me. In my pain I realized I couldn’t do this on my own. In the basement of my dorm I cried out to God to help me. As I cried I looked up worship songs and came across Francesca Battistelli’s video “He Knows My Name” that features the story of four Mercy grads. I knew this was God’s answer to my prayer.
When I entered Mercy, it didn’t take long for me to see that everyone could see through my mask. My counselor and other Mercy staff encouraged me to be real and to show my emotions and feel my pain. Being real helped me accept what had happened to me, and for the first time, grieve and feel my hurt. God used the Mercy counseling curriculum to bring breakthrough. Renewing my mind to the Word of God opened my eyes to who He really is. I learned to uncover the lies I had believed for so long and replace them with truth. Some of the lies I believed were that people I loved would abandon me. God showed me that He will never leave me or forsake me and puts loving people around me. The fear of rejection shaped every thing I did. I constantly looked through glasses of rejection. My counselor showed me how to take off those glasses and wear the glasses of God’s acceptance. The biggest lie I believed was that God’s purpose was for me to be used and abused. God crushed through those lies in showing me His true character as a loving father. Through a guest speaker, God spoke to me and further confirmed the truth that He is not the author of abuse and really has come to give me life and a future. I learned that forgiving doesn’t mean that the hurt isn’t real, or that what happened doesn’t matter. I discovered that forgiving my parents and my abusers actually gave me freedom. I now have a deep relationship with my parents like never before and no longer hate my abusers.
God has redeemed so much through Mercy. He has given me my dreams back and restored my joy. I no longer hate men. And I can’t wait to get married and have a bunch of kids. I’m still not perfect and will still have hard days, but the difference is, God is my source. God has taken my broken pieces and has made them into something beautiful. I now have a passion to help set others free from abuse and life-controlling issues.
After Mercy I plan to move back home where I will pursue my passion of speaking and singing to bring change. I am a child of the King, the one set free, the one redeemed and ever so clean, and this is just the beginning of my story.
To all the donors, I want to thank you so much for your generous support. Your giving helped me get healing and freedom from my past. I can’t wait to walk out this new freedom I have.