Growing up my mother suffered from mental illness leaving us with a very unstable childhood. I was in and out of different foster homes and experienced both emotional and sexual abuse. These things in my past led me to have a lot of insecurities and very low self-worth. As a teen, I made a lot of self-destructive decisions. I was saved in my twenties. At that time God truly did a miracle in my life. He forgave me of my past and a great burden was lifted from me. Something I never really acknowledged though was that I still felt as though I was missing something. I had a great desire to know my father. My mother told me multiple stories as to who my father was. When I was in my mid 20’s I went on a quest to find him. I had very unrealistic expectations of what it was going to be like when I finally found him. I thought that when I found him that hole would be filled by having this missing piece. When I found the person that was supposed to be my father, he was nice but did not want anything more to do with me than this one-time meeting.
Because of this, I take rejection very hard and it contributed even more to my feelings of inadequacy. My parental relationships transferred over to the way I saw God’s love as well. I have never really felt worthy of God’s loving grace and mercy. In a way, I looked at God as this person who wanted perfection from me at all times and that the bad things that happened to me were punishments that I deserved. I spent 15 years feeling rejected by my father and thought that if I could make him see something in me maybe he would finally want me as his daughter. “Not good enough” has carried over into every area of my life. I guarded myself against people in fear of being hurt or rejected. When I was hurting, I would isolate myself from my church family for fear that if I spoke of my feelings it was discounting all of the good God had done in my life.
Recently my mother shared with me that the person she said is my father in fact raped her and this is how I was conceived. Whether this is true or not I struggled with it. I felt like, “If half of where I came from is someone who could do something like that, then what does that make me?” This very low place is what finally led me to seek freedom once and for all from the bondage I have been in. Through this study and the mentors God has put in my life, I realized that I have let Satan tell me who I am, and he is a LIAR! I have learned that all through God’s Word there is truth; I just have to look for it. The Devil still tries to tell me I am worthless, not good enough or that I come from evil, but God is telling me the truth. He is saying that I am His child. (John 1:12). That I am a branch of the true vine and a conduit of Christ’s life (John 15:1, 5).
He also tells me I have been justified and redeemed by God’s grace (Romans 3:24). And that I won’t be condemned by God (Romans 8:1–4). So if I am feeling condemnation from things in my past that is not God! He also tells me, as a child of God, I am a fellow heir with Christ. (Romans 8:17).
And most importantly that it doesn’t matter how I was brought into this world, I am a treasured child of God (Galatians 3:26 – 29). God has great plans for my life and I am so excited to see what he has in store for my future. I know I have a lot of work left to do but I am so thankful for the work God is doing in me. Thank you so much for this life-changing journey.