Growing up I had every opportunity given to me by my parents to make my life full of potential with a strong future, but I wasn’t interested at that time. They reflected their faith in God strongly. I struggled in school with ADHD. In middle school I went through harsh bullying, which lasted all the way up to the beginning of high school. I became very closed off from my family. I would pay very close attention to the people that did fit in and what I had to do in order to achieve fitting in. I started seeking male attention so that I could feel wanted. I had interests throughout these years of seeking God but if the feeling didn’t last, I didn’t stick with it. I also starting judging and doubting God of His existence. The fear and anxiety of Him not being real pulled me even further from Him because I had no foundation or answers. My anxiety started developing, and I always feared I was going to die or get hurt. This anxiety was easily covered up with alcohol, weed, and cigarettes. Growing older, I hid some unhealthy relationships. The reality in those relationships was that I became co-dependent to a very unhealthy point. It came to the point where I was abused, lied to, threatened and cheated on consistently. But as long as they didn’t leave me, I would accept it. Once I got out of the first major abusive relationship, I hid drinking heavily. This became a way to find acceptance. From here on I struggled with alcohol addiction and drugs. I found out about Mercy through my church. They had a graduate speak that had attended Mercy several years back. I decided to apply because I wanted a change before something worse happened. When I arrived I was very judgmental, doubtful, and closed off.
When I arrived at Mercy, I began asking God to show me His truth. I was learning to seek God in the midst of doubts and at the root of it all, fear. I loved books from Lee Strobel, Timothy Keller and C.S. Lewis to find an answer for my doubts. I remember coming across a book by Lee Strobel and the chapter was called “Can I be a Christian with doubts?” The answer ended up being yes, it’s completely normal. I was certain that I could believe, that I had a choice in faith and belief. One of the biggest things I learned at Mercy, was that feelings are not intellectual or always trustworthy. Just because I felt like God wasn’t around didn’t mean it was true. This taught me to seek God even when I didn’t feel like it, to seek Him through the uncertainty and dry seasons trusting that He has a plan that I could not yet see. While at Mercy through counseling, I also came to understand that I needed to embrace the breaking down of pride and fear. I learned to respect authority and trust who God placed in my life wanted what’s best for me. The hardest thing for me to do was to give up control. Understanding that God’s faithfulness works best with my obedience. The last thing I needed to overcome was learning that God was good and that He had a plan for me even in the midst of His sovereignty. Trusting that His ways are more promising than mine. It encouraged me to start praying for His will to happen, understanding that His love upon my life was relevant. Every opportunity, job or schooling I had in the past, I never finished. This was the first program I was determined to finish strongly as God allowed me to become aware of myself and tendencies.
After Mercy, I plan to go where God leads me. For a while I was searching to be placed anywhere but home because I believed that if I went home, I would slip again into the old patterns. I was having reoccurring dreams of myself going back home and slipping up in one form or another. It wasn’t until a staff member shared with me that God may let me go home just to show me the work He did in me was real and that He will sustain me in my faithfulness. I realized God will not put me in a place that I’m not equipped for. As of right now I plan to go back home to see what God leads me into. I know I have a heart to help youth/teens realize that they are capable by God’s strength and that their circumstances do not define their future. I trust that God will use me accordingly to what I’ve learned and experienced in my life. I have a heart for big cities as well, I hope to be able to get involved with some other ministries and programs to grow my skills in the areas I’m called to. I hope to be able to go back to school and get a degree in an area that will allow me to teach others that they are capable. I’m not sure what this looks like, but I trust God will guide and direct me as I follow. I know that the safest place to be is in His will.
I want to say thank you to the donors. To the people who have given to this program, the seeds sown into the staff and everything about the program are being reaped constantly with girls finding freedom and trust in God. THANK YOU SO MUCH!