Both of my parents were drug and alcohol addicts until I was 17 years old. My siblings and I were left home alone often, and when my parents were home, they were emotionally absent and physically violent. With this came a lot of abuse. My grandmother obtained custody of us, but this was also a bad situation because a family member sexually abused me during this time. When we went back to live with our parents, I became trapped by fear. I was afraid that my father would kill my mom, she’d commit suicide, they’d overdose or we would be separated. With my parents’ addictions, we faced poverty and homelessness often. We moved every six months, so I attended many different schools. My mom sold our food stamps to support her addictions, and I adopted anorexia in order to survive and provide for my siblings. I carried a lot of guilt for failing to be a “good parent” to my cousins and younger sister. We started going to church when I was nine, and while finding a “family,” I also accepted Christ. I started college when I was 19 and struggled with depression, anorexia, severe panic attacks and nightmares. When my niece passed away at two days old, I blamed myself because I was the last one to hold her before we realized that she was not breathing. The belief that I killed my own niece drove me deeper into my life-controlling behaviors.
After my niece passed, my sisters and I began to drink and get high together, and I looked around at my siblings and the lives we were living and realized that every generational pattern that my parents passed onto us was being repeated. I planned to go back to college but knew that would let the eating disorder claim my life. I wanted to die. I thought I was a horrible person who only added pain to the life of others. I looked up “free Christian residential programs” online, all the while doubting that anything like that existed. When Mercy popped up as a search result, I promised God that if by some miracle I got in before my return to school, I would go. When I arrived at Mercy, I was covered in shame and guilt. I believed the absolute worst things possible about myself. I had no voice, no emotions except tears, no confidence or hope, and lots of fear. Anxiety was my never-ending companion. I had night terrors and insomnia.
A big turning point during my stay at Mercy was when God began to strip me of false guilt and shame. I was finally able to accept and believe that I was not the cause of my niece’s death. I also realized that Satan used the eating disorder to make me believe and act out things that were against what the Bible says. I decided that I wanted to live by nothing less than the truth and grace of the Word.
At Mercy, I discovered the truth about who I am. God has given me my identity back. He has cleared and renewed my mind of hundreds of lies. He released me from fear, shame, guilt, nightmares, eating disorder behaviors, and panic/anxiety attacks. He has given me purpose and a reason to live.
After graduating from Mercy I will be nannying and tutoring full time. I plan to create my own Etsy account to sell crochet products that I make, get a car, and work towards getting out of debt. I am going to share my story in many different areas/environments and get involved in my church. I also hope to go on missions!
I would like to thank all of the Mercy supporters, especially Dave Ramsey. His Financial Peace University curriculum helped me overcome my fear of poverty. When I was a senior in high school and doing research on possible careers, I remember saying to my calculus teacher, “I want a career that allows me to make a lot of money so I can give it away and help a lot of people.” I never thought this was possible before. God told me that He put this desire in my heart six years ago and is now showing me how I can walk it out. Thank you for following and seeking after the Lord. Now I have hope and faith in the dreams God has given me.