I started playing competitive soccer when I was five. I was the middle child of two sisters and the only one who played sports, which my dad loved. I became extremely attached to him, and my goal in life was to make him proud. I quickly realized that the better I performed, the more I felt loved. This planted a deep-seated lie that my worth was based on my performance. I looked for every opportunity to make my dad proud and hated myself when I felt like I had let him down or failed to meet his expectations. This introduced shame and self-hate into my life. I began to resent my weaknesses and put unrealistic expectations on myself to meet a standard of perfection.
At the age of 12, I received a phone call that my best friend’s dad had committed suicide. This experience was extremely traumatic for me. I began to control my surroundings as a way of coping, believing that the perfect life was one where no conflict was allowed. I looked to food as my primary coping mechanism and began to restrict what I ate. At the beginning, my new habits made me feel safe, secure, and beautiful, but they eventually led to more self-hate. As I started to receive positive feedback on how I looked, I started to believe that my worth was based on my physical appearance. It became extremely important that to maintain the perfect weight. Little did I know that this would be the beginning of my 13-year battle with an eating disorder where I struggled with bingeing, purging, restricting, and over-exercising.
I moved to Uganda a year after I graduated college and got involved in a relationship with a Ugandan man who was more than 13 years older than me. He was verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive. After three years of being in this relationship, it was only by God’s grace that I was able to get out. Around that time, I decided to start my own business working with Ugandan women who were victims of the 20-year civil war. I had lost my dignity and self-worth from my toxic relationship, so I refocused all my energies into making my business successful. I started working 17-hour days, 6 days a week, and was single-handedly trying to manage quality control, finances, product design, production, sales and marketing, and the emotional needs of 20 Ugandan women who were victims of rape, HIV and domestic violence. I continued to live this way until I was home for Christmas and nearly cracked under the pressure I was taking on. I asked God to take me to heaven because life had become too hard. I told Him I never wanted to dream again because I was so scared of failing. I wound up in an emergency room because of an anxiety attack. I knew things needed to change. I heard God tell me that he wanted me to rest. I left Uganda, and after hearing about Mercy through a friend, I decided to apply. I was so terrified of what it would be like, but felt such a peace when I arrived. I knew that I was in the right place, and that God was about to do amazing things.
After struggling with perfectionism and a performance-based mentality for so long, I experienced my first major breakthrough when my counselor challenged me to take two weeks of rest. During this time, I was told that I was not allowed to do any assignments, read any books, journal, take notes during class, or exercise. My challenge was to simply “be” and spend at least 30 minutes a day outside, being aware of God’s presence around me. Terrified of what this would look like, I entered into what ended up being the best two weeks of my life. What I feared most – being still in the presence of God, without any of my works to hold on to – is where I found the most freedom. This God I had spent my entire life trying to impress became my very best friend. I knew God before coming to Mercy, but I didn’t understand who Jesus was. In those two weeks, I finally met Him and realized He was the most gentle and loving person I had ever met.
God has completely redeemed every single area of my life that the enemy tried to rob. Once a slave to exercise, God began to use it as my primary way of worshiping him. During my rest weeks, He taught me how to dance in His presence and showed me that it has always been His plan for me to learn to love myself through the expression of my body. What once caused the most pain is now where I find my rest. Once a slave to food, God replaced my spirit of fear with a childlike excitement. Once a slave to my career and convinced that I would never dream or create again because of such extreme burnout, God completely restored all of my creative abilities and has given me such a passion to dream and create again. Once a slave to God, I now see Him as my very best friend. He showed me that I no longer need to be ashamed, fearful, or strive for perfection because I am perfectly loved as I am.
After graduating from Mercy, I will be taking dance classes. I hope to learn to partner with God to use my body as a vessel for His glory. One day I want to own my own dance studio where I can teach women to learn to love God and themselves through the expression of their bodies.
Words cannot describe how much my life was transformed while I was at Mercy. Thank you so much to all those that give to Mercy for your love and support. I can’t wait to go live my life!