I was born to a loving, but extremely broken, family. I knew my mother for only a short period of time but never doubted her love for me. After her death when I was young, my grandfather also passed away. This caused me a great deal of pain and left me feeling sad and anxious. I was put into counseling at the tender age of four and was constantly told that it was okay to live in fear, so that’s exactly what I did. From that point on I lived in fear of abandonment, fear of separation, fear of death, and anxiety. About a year later, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer and was put through intensive chemotherapy. I spent most of my time in hospitals and friends houses until her death a little while later. After her death my world turned into a constant war on my mind. I was haunted by nightmares and hallucinations, then one night my nightmares became a reality when I was sexually abused by someone who was supposed to protect me. This began my twelve-year addiction to pornography. I was angry at myself, my family, and at God. I was adopted into a loving, Christian family. I was blessed with a mother, a father, and two older brothers, but I didn’t know how to or where to fit in. I had a hard time trusting and them and I didn’t allow them to get emotionally close to me. This caused my fear of abandonment to grow deeper and I began to isolate myself. During middle school, I was sexually abused by a classmate. I tried to tell a person at my church but wasn’t taken seriously. This caused me to hide my feelings and isolate even more. I began to secretly hate God and His church. My unresolved grief and rage grew and the angrier I became the more defiant I was. By the end of my senior year of high school I was addicted to multiple drugs, hated my family, and wanted nothing to do with Christianity.
After being suicidal, I was admitted into a psychiatric facility. After being released, I was given an ultimatum: Change or be kicked out of my house. I chose the first one. My parents found out about Mercy Multiplied from my Grandpa. They did the necessary research and I applied. On August 19, 2015, I walked through the doors of Mercy angry and unwilling to learn anything. I tried to get myself into trouble, but failed because of the grace that engulfs this home, and after several attempts to leave I decided it was time to face what I had been running from head on.
The various portions of the “Choices That Bring Change” curriculum helped me in my journey at Mercy. I learned how to fight lies and infiltrate my life with the truth of God’s Word. I learned that God has given me the authority to take captive every thought. I was able to go back to hard times in my life and differentiate between Satan’s plans for my life and God’s plans for my life. This helped me see that God was not behind my life’s pain, but that He was there grieving with and for me. I was also taught how to walk through my grief in a healthy way and that was a turning point for me.
Through my time at Mercy, I learned that God plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I’ve learned that I am not worthless or abandoned, but that I am loved, cherished, and wanted. For the first time I’m able to think about my family and not be overwhelmed with sadness, bitterness, anger, or resentment. I no longer struggle with suicidal thoughts, hallucinations, pornography, anxiety, and depression. Grief and anger no longer rule my life. For the first time I can say that I am happy and whole! I have been renewed and redeemed by Jesus Christ.
I am moving back home with my family and later hope pursue a doctorate degree in foreign law. I plan on volunteering at my home church and speak into the lives of teens that might be going through the same things I have and help them walk through life in a Godly way. I’m excited to walk out the plan Jesus has for my life and see my redemption at work.
Thank you Mercy staff and donors so much for continuously giving of your time and money to support girls like me. I have been completely transformed! Without your help, I would never have gotten an opportunity to work on myself and take time to reconnect with God and receive healing. I appreciate you!