Lili – 2015 Graduate

During the Vietnam War, my dad fled his country Laos and came to the States. He met my mom and had my two older sisters and me. When I was two, my mom left. This planted a seed of abandonment and rejection in my heart. I found out when I was four that if my parents would have known I was a girl, I would have been aborted. This realization made me feel unwanted and made me believe I was a mistake. Shortly after my mother left, I was molested by a family member and the women who watched my sisters and me. I began to escape to books and isolate from my family to avoid the physical abuse that came from my new stepmother. The physical and sexual abuse stopped when CPS finally got involved, but the verbal and emotional abuse continued. I felt like I still needed to punish myself. I was consumed with self-harm, guilt, shame, and embarrassment. I craved attention from my dad, and my life became about perfection and trying to perform well and please him any way I could. I graduated high school and began attending a Christian college. I was on the leadership team at church and at school, and to me, the second-hand relationship with God was enough. By my sophomore year of college I started living a double life, drinking and partying. I became involved in a relationship with a girl and my life fell to pieces. I quit being involved in school activities, I quit my life group, I quit church, and eventually, I quit God. I became so hollow, dead and empty inside. I hated myself. All I could do was think about death, so I tried to take my life, but the Lord intervened. Attending church with a friend, I discovered that while I’d “quit” God, He never quit me. I was so wrapped up in my sin, it became a part of my identity, and I felt so gross and filthy and ugly, so I ran away from Him again. God continued to pursue me and teach me who I am in Christ, but my relationship with my dad became unbearably strained, and I started to go into a deep depression.

After a scary experience where I almost took my life, I became faced with the reality that I needed help. I met with a few ladies from my church, and they suggested three options to me, including applying to Mercy. My pride and perfect image told me I didn’t need it, but when they told me more about Mercy, I knew God was answering my prayer for hope. I decided I had to let go of my pride, and I applied.

A major turning point at Mercy was learning to forgive those who had hurt me, especially my dad. I didn’t want to, but as I was growing in a deeper relationship with God, He assured me He is a God of justice and that what happened to me as a child was not okay. Forgiveness allowed me to open my heart up to be healed. I’ve forgiven my dad and have actually allowed the Lord to reconcile and restore our relationship. Another thing that really shifted my view on God and myself was becoming a “dog mom” for our house dog, Buzz. I realized what I was trying to teach and do with Buzz was exactly what God and the staff were trying to do: love me.

While I was at Mercy, God opened up my heart to receive His love and His life. He showed me how valuable I am. He also showed me His integrity is not something to be questioned because He is a trustworthy God. People are not the bad guys because hurt people hurt people. I think this gave me the biggest change in perspective because I always saw myself as a victim, but I realized my fight is not against flesh and blood.

After graduating from Mercy I’d like to get certified for Personal Training and Nutrition and maybe work for Mercy one day. I would also really like to bring hope to the hopeless, whether in inner city America or the slums of India.

If I could fly all around the world and personally thank all the Mercy supporters, I would in a heartbeat. You have no idea how much this ministry has changed my life and given me hope! I used to think that was the most cliché thing to say, but I now fully believe it for myself. Thank you is seriously not enough to convey the gratitude in my heart, but thank you for giving me the opportunity to encounter God in a new way. I am a product of your obedience.