Today I met Nancy Alcorn. I listened to her proclaim freedom for the hurting and the broken. Freedom from bondage and oppression, addiction and shame. Healing from past hurts. She declared the TRUTH over every one of our lives, and I believed it because I’ve experienced it.
Today, I am a Freedom Advocate because of God’s miraculous healing power and truth that led to my own freedom, and I want to proclaim it from the mountaintops. I want to hold the hands of the women God allows me to, and gently and lovingly help them to other side. I believe it for them too!
But there was a time, not long ago, that I was in the dark pit of bondage and oppression, and I just knew that in that torment, things were not going to end well. I don’t know how it all began. Maybe I didn’t heed any of the warnings? Maybe I didn’t care? Maybe the enemy moved in steadily and sneakily, or maybe I opened the door for him? I can’t really say. All I know is that I was under the grip of the enemy, locked into an obsession and addiction that wanted to destroy my whole life. I shudder to think of it, but I really did stand at a threshold that was a choice between Life and Death. I spent most of my time denying and justifying and blaming. It had only led me deeper into that pit. I would suffocate in the endless cycle that offered no real relief. I was embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone, so I kept silent. The enemy’s greatest weapon. I bought the lie and suffered on. On the outside I appeared normal, functional, and self-sufficient. That was a facade. I kept everyone at a distance and feared my secret would come out.
Circumstances worsened and I received a wake-up notice. On a normal sunny Wednesday afternoon, my teenage son was in a minor longboarding accident, and I was unable to drive him to the hospital for an x-ray. I was drunk, it was 3 in the afternoon, and this was common. Things went very badly that evening when my husband came home from work. There was much screaming and fighting and crying. From that day on I tried with all my might to quit drinking. I went to recovery support meetings. I read helpful information. I white-knuckled my way through a month. Then, I casually opened the door right back up. It was so frustrating. But looking back, I’m thankful for it – because I know what I’m capable of. I know that I can ruin my own life.
Five months into the cycle of quitting and relapsing, I was at an event with an open bar. I spent the weekend immersed in the grips of my addiction which was supposed to be a “good time.” It was not, because my pain and sin continued spreading, consuming everything. I was justifying and believing all of the lies again. I drove home that following Monday afternoon, debating on stopping at the liquor store, and the Holy Spirit whispered to me saying, “Do you see now, Jenna? That this will never end? It will never be enough.” I cried. I knew the torment would not end if I kept making these choices and believing lies. I had now been in the grips of my addiction for well over two years, and it was looking hopeless.
Because of my job, I was even more afraid of telling anyone of my condition. But also, because of my job, three days later I found myself in a coffee shop in Nashville where Mercy Multiplied was launching a new study guide. That night, two-day-sober me literally had the “Keys to Freedom” placed into my hands. I had no idea how significant that would become. When we arrived at the MPower Workshop the next morning, about sixty of us sat there, all ages and races. We were told that we could not give away what we had not yet received, so we were going to be receiving today. I wept. I took ferocious notes, and I hate taking notes. I wrote everything down. I spent lunch alone walking the campus, just to process what was happening, which I could not understand.
When I got home, I asked a friend to go through this study with me. God showed me so much. There were so many deep wounds/roots that needed His healing, and He was so gentle and patient with me. I wrestled hard. Nothing was fair, especially not the condemnation and verbal abuse I’d received throughout my life. Not the traumatic assault I’d experienced at the hands of my first “boyfriend.” Not the misunderstanding of why I longed for acceptance and control by chasing escape, people, drugs, and an identity that would elude me. Not the onslaught of rejection, blame, and persecution that I repeatedly faced in my marriage – and why I had allowed it! Nothing was fair! But God met me there to heal it, in His perfect timing. He agreed that it wasn’t fair. He showed me that I had a choice to forgive, and He walked me right through how to do so in those Keys, and my chains began to break. I began to climb out of the pit, and miracles began to happen. There are stories after stories. I still went to the weekly support meetings. Knowing I was not alone and that I had friends in recovery helped.
Very quickly, I knew I could not keep what I’d been given. I was free, and I couldn’t explain it, but I knew it happened and that it could be possible for anyone. I took the first group of ladies through the Keys to Freedom study guide that same year. My confidence was still shaky, but as I told other friends about it, they started groups, and even more healing and freedom began taking place. I took another group through it the next year and kept continuing. Every time I led a group, I did the work as a sojourner alongside the ladies. Every time God showed me NEW hurts that needed His healing power, whether they were from long ago or recent. I learned to trust that He knows what I’m ready for, and I began to ask because I’d learned how to hear from Him. It was, and continues to be, the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced. I can use these Keys for the rest of my life! They point me directly to the Word of God – the Truth, which I use to replace the lies of the enemy. I know whose authority I stand in, and the seeds of destiny inside me have a healthier place to flourish! Things I never dreamed of are being revealed to me, and God is showing me the desires of my heart He placed inside of me long ago that I had searched my whole life to find. I will shout it from the mountaintops! “I am more than free, and it is possible for you too!”